Well, it’s happened. I’m pregnant. It’s weird – I had myself so convinced that it would take longer than this. I was sure of it, in fact. Thought the odds were stacked against me somehow. I guess not. I’ve only been off the pill for a few months and boom. Just like that.
I thought I might feel differently about this when it actually happened. Actually, I had no idea how I would feel, but I did think that my feelings would somehow change. I feel like I’m supposed to be more excited than this. Truth be told, I’m terrified. I’m nervous. I’m anxious. I don’t really know what to do with myself. I’m having trouble living in the right now. Instead, I’m envisioning what it will be like to be pregnant in three, six, nine months from now. What will labour be like? What will my family’s reaction be? Will I be able to MC at my sister’s wedding? Will my child be healthy? Will he or she grow up to be a happy, healthy person? Will I do a good job as a parent? Will I be able to still have a career? Will I love my child? Will he or she not feel like a stranger to me? Will my child love me? Will Vergil and I still have a great relationship in the midst of parenting?
I remember telling my life coach a few weeks ago that I am perfectly comfortable not knowing what’s going on in the future if there is nothing there to think about. But when I am anticipating something happening in the future, I have a hard time letting worries about that go. This is a huge, uncertain, uncontrollable future for me and that terrifies me. This is one of those cases where I want to fast forward to the end to make sure everything turned out okay so that I can relax more in the process. (If you’ve ever watched a suspense movie with me, you’ll know what I’m talking about.)
I’m not a process person. I feel bad for my kid already. It’s funny; I always tell people that my sister Brenna hates change in her life. It occurs to me that I hate change a lot too. Only I hate change that I can’t control. I can’t control this. I could control going off the pill and that was it. Nothing else. Maybe this is why I’ve been thinking so much about the work God does in people and how we can’t do that work for him. We can’t change people’s hearts. We can’t save people from themselves. God does that. We just create the environment for change. Maybe that’s all my role is in this case too. My job is to create a healthy, positive, comfortable, safe, emotionally secure environment for my child and trust God to do the rest. I think I can do that.
I’ve been telling Vergil over the last day that I’m scared about all this. He keeps saying, “We’ll be fine.” I don’t care about fine. I care about being normal. I worry that I’m a horrible person for being afraid; that it makes me unfit to be a mother somehow. I know that’s excessive and dramatic, but there you have it.
Physically, I feel really…strange. Normal but not. I feel kind of gross and sickly off and on throughout the morning. I’m not puking, which is awesome, but I certainly don’t feel the best. In the evenings, the grossness comes back a little and then I get sort of restless. My mom said being pregnant made you feel happy. I don’t feel particularly happy at the moment, but maybe that happens later on. I just feel nervous. My poor kid is going to have anxiety problems. I think I’m definitely going to take prenatal yoga in the fall. They run it on Sunday afternoons and I think that will help me a lot, even if it’s just helping me learn how to catch my breath. I know the city runs ‘Mommy and Me’ yoga program too. I’ll probably take that later on with the baby, even just to be around other mothers.
Just thinking of my nervousness, I think there are two issues that are predominantly causing it. One is that I signed a contract to teach a course for one hour a week in the winter. I don’t see that happening anymore. I need to speak with my professor and the acting dean to find out what we should do about that. Also, my boss is not going to be impressed with me going on mat leave. He wanted me to wait a few years. Well, that’s not happening. I’m kind of hoping that he is able to hire someone for the Publications Assistant position before I tell him about being pregnant. That would cushion the blow a little. I’m already praying hard about that. I have an idea in mind for who I want to replace me in March, but we’ll see if that pans out at all. I’m also worried about how exactly I’m going to work out coming back to work after my mat leave. I’m hoping I can work something out so that I can do a lot of work from home. I have a computer that can handle what I do and I don’t feel like I need to be on campus all the time to do web stuff or even to do my writing. We’ll see, I guess. That can be worked out much later, like in 2008.
The other big worry is the fact that Verge and I don’t have a house. I’m mostly worried that our neighbours might complain about having a crying baby living around them. I don’t want to get evicted. The trouble is that Verge and I can’t really afford a house for another two years. By then we’ll have a good chunk of a down payment, but I don’t know what house prices are going to look like by then.
So many things that I think about that I really have no control over. I’m such a worry wart. I guess I’m mostly praying that I can live in the moment and worry only about the things that I can take care of now and leave the rest to God.
This is definitely the next big blow to my independent nature, I know that for sure. I remember thinking not too long ago about how I have always been so afraid of what God has in store for me and the things he wants to do in me and through me. I started to wonder if those things were not actually in store for me but for my child; that I am merely called to be a conduit and a catalyst for someone else who will change the world. The more I think about it, the more I see that my calling is definitely reshaping itself in that way. I will never be a Billy Graham or someone like him. I’m the person that brought Billy Graham to Christ in the first place, the person that helped train him and who helped him recognize his calling. It’s a fascinating thought and one I’m going to have to explore a lot more, I think.
I’m going to try to keep this journal of my thoughts and feelings re: being pregnant as up-to-date as possible. I’ll probably publish it on-line once I ‘go public’ with the news. It’ll be interesting to me to see how I am changed throughout this process.
I’m still nervous, but there is definitely excitement hiding somewhere in there too!
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