triggered

Sigh. I've been waiting all month for this and it finally happened. Sadness and depression just drop kicked me out of nowhere like a ninja.

I found out yesterday morning that my cousin and his wife had their baby over the weekend. I knew they were due around now, but that still doesn't help me much. I want to be happy for them, but all I can think about is how unfair it all is. I hit another low in my grieving process and it turns out that this pit is full of self-pity and I'm wallowing in it. I'm now terrified that they're going to be at my sister's wedding in a couple weeks and I'll have to wear a perfectly fake smile and pretend that I'm okay with everything and that I'm happy when I'm really bitter and angry.

I feel like a jerk because I'm so intensely jealous right now. I feel guilty because I shouldn't be resenting their joy this much. I feel even more guilty that my foul mood might put a damper on my sister's wedding.

The worst part is that I can't expect anyone in my family to really understand what I'm going through. They'll all expect me to just suck it up and put on a good face for my sister. I want to. I don't want her to feel like I'm sucking out the joy of her nuptials, but I just don't know how long I'll be able to pretend I'm okay with having two babies and one pregnant cousin shoved in my face over a whole weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming my cousins for having kids. I know they're not 'out to get me' or trying to spite me or anything. I just... yeah. Big time self pity right now.

less depressing

I feel the need to write something today so I can move my last post down a bit. It gets a little depressing to stare at it every day. Thanks, though, for letting me post it and for everyone's thoughts and prayers last weekend. They definitely helped me through.

So today, I'm going to post a picture of my psuedo-neice, Maddison. I got to see her and her mom (my best friend) last Friday for about four hours. It was good times with a good karma baby. Anyway, I bought her this awesome fleecy outfit that has ears and a crown on the hood. It doesn't quite fit her yet, but Janine and I put it on her anyway just to see her in it. Enjoy!

goodbye baby dela Rosa

I wrote this a few months after my miscarriage. I decided I'd share it today, on what should have been my child's birthday. I'm sorry in advance if it makes anyone cry.

I’m tired
I’m tired of crying
But I know I still have more tears
I would have liked to have met you
Held you
Kissed you
Watched you grow
But that’s not what God had in store for us
We were parted too soon
I don’t even have a name for you
I’m afraid to give you one
You were just becoming real to me
How do I say goodbye
When I never got a chance to say hello?
I know you were never mine
You were always God’s
But I thought you would be mine for a time
I don’t think I feel pain
All I feel is empty
You took a piece of me when you left
I wish there was something I could do
I wish there was something
But I have nothing
I never knew how much I wanted you
Until you were gone
I don’t know why you had to go
I don’t know if it would help if I did
I just…
I miss you
Some of my grief is only self pity
I wanted you to make Vergil a dad
I wanted you to make me a mom
My mom a grandma
My dad a granddad
My sisters aunts
It’s not fair
What did I do?
Is this somehow my fault?
I want you back
I want you back
You didn’t have to leave
I would have loved you
I would have loved you so much
I do love you
Will I be okay one day?
Will you be offended if we try again?
Part of me wants to forget
Pretend like this never happened
But I know I can’t
You were real to me
And that was enough
Oh Jesus, where did you go?
You promised you’d be there
And I felt like you left
You promised my child would be blessed
Special
Called
And then you took it away
Before I had a chance to see your promises fulfilled
I don’t know what to do
I just keep moving
Hoping to move fast enough and far enough away
So the emptiness will dissipate
But I know I have to be here in this
Feel these feelings
Let myself grieve
Hurt
Cry
Be angry
Ask questions
Love you
Miss you
Maybe we will meet one day
Save a spot in your heart for me
You’ll always be in mine

the other side of me

I feel incredibly self conscious today. Not about how I look, but about my writing, believe it or not. I'm in the midst of trying to write about 4 articles for our school's alumni publication, I'm trying to write a story and now I'm writing for my blog and I feel like I can't make my words say what they're supposed to say. It's a weird sensation.

I think maybe it started this weekend already. I keep going through the sessions I led at the youth retreat in my mind thinking, I just don't have it any more. I'm not creative or insightful the way I used to be. I'm not as 'in tune' with God and with youth as I used to be. I'm just a dried-up, know-nothing, uninspired blob of wannabe star-youth-person. I dunno. I feel a little... adrift.

I don't feel right today. Physically and mentally. Actually, I haven't felt right all week. I think maybe one of the youth got me sick this weekend. Maybe. Maybe I just have so much work to do that the stress is slowly shutting me down.

Fortunately, Vergil and I are going to my uncle's cabin this weekend. That'll be a nice little rest for us.

Unfortunately, next weekend is d-day. March 10th was supposed to be my due date. It's not going to be a very good weekend for me. Maybe that's why I feel off. I'm already anticipating next weekend. Anyway, please excuse me in advance if I'm not very personable or with it next week. It's going to be a little surreal and depressing.

Well, that's about all I have to say. Not that I really said anything at all...

Wow. This is gonna be a hard funk to shake.