Many of the blogs I read this morning were about the snow that fell last night. Snow brings out the bear in me. All I want to do is crawl under my covers and stay there until the weather warms up.
I'm amazed I actually made it to work this morning. I taught my class last night and came home in some of the worst weather I've ever driven in. I couldn't see anything beyond my headlights and I couldn't use my high-beams because they just reflected off the snow and blinded me. What is usually a half-hour commute turned into an hour-long drive, since I was only able to go about 60km/h. I thought I might be spending my night in the ditch since the times I could see the road, it was covered in a layer of ice. My neck still hurts from driving like a grandma. Vergil was practically waiting by the door with his coat on when I came home - anticipating having to rescue me from the clutches of an unintentional hibernation. Fortunately, I made it home in one piece. Doubly fortunate was that I was not today's carpool driver. I got to be a passenger and let someone else worry about navigating the tricky roads.
*sigh* Winter would be great if I never had to drive.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
john mayer
I've been listening to the new John Mayer album, Continuum, pretty much incessantly lately. Two songs keep standing out to me, so I thought I'd share them here. The first song, The Heart of Life reminds me that yeah, life sucks sometimes, but at its heart, you can still find goodness there.
The second song is kind of how I feel in and around this whole process. Appropriately, it's called In Repair.
The Heart of Life
I hate to see you cry
Laying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen
Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good
The second song is kind of how I feel in and around this whole process. Appropriately, it's called In Repair.
In Repair
Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right
Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair
Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me
Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair, I am in repair
And now I'm walking in a park
All of the birds they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me
Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
Oh, I'm never really ready, I'm never really ready
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there
Monday, October 23, 2006
anxiety at the edges
I hate these vague, anxious moments I sometimes get. It's an edginess that makes me feel on pins and needles for no apparent reason whatsoever. It usually passes, but I just hate being in it. Feels like my heart is racing nervously and I can't calm it down.
Maybe if I drink some tea or something...
Anyway, that's all I really wanted to say, I guess. My week got much better after my last post. I think cramming my week-without-Vergil full of people who care about me was a good thing. I got to debrief with my dad, eat Jon's awesome cooking (I paid him back by making his and Sheri's cat a new toy - a giant ball of yarn) and converse with Tim, Linda and Wes. I even got to see my psuedo-niece, Maddison, who I think gets cuter and cuter every time I see her. She's my good-karma-baby.
What's a good-karma-baby? It's a baby that was born after much trial and tribulation (i.e. after years of trying and/or after miscarriage). I've decided that instead of avoiding all the babies out there, I will rejoice over the good-karma-babies and, at the very least, not avoid them in the hopes that they will bring me good karma.
Saturday, Vergil and I went to a surprise engagement dinner/party for Sheri and Jon and I held another good-karma-baby, Jane. She's 4 months old and has the best stunned expression I've ever seen. And until she went to bed, Vergil was, for once, NOT the centre of attention. :)
This week, I get to teach my class, clean my apartment, hang out with my Oma and Opa, clean my apartment some more, and then have my mom over for the weekend. Good times.
Maybe if I drink some tea or something...
Anyway, that's all I really wanted to say, I guess. My week got much better after my last post. I think cramming my week-without-Vergil full of people who care about me was a good thing. I got to debrief with my dad, eat Jon's awesome cooking (I paid him back by making his and Sheri's cat a new toy - a giant ball of yarn) and converse with Tim, Linda and Wes. I even got to see my psuedo-niece, Maddison, who I think gets cuter and cuter every time I see her. She's my good-karma-baby.
What's a good-karma-baby? It's a baby that was born after much trial and tribulation (i.e. after years of trying and/or after miscarriage). I've decided that instead of avoiding all the babies out there, I will rejoice over the good-karma-babies and, at the very least, not avoid them in the hopes that they will bring me good karma.
Saturday, Vergil and I went to a surprise engagement dinner/party for Sheri and Jon and I held another good-karma-baby, Jane. She's 4 months old and has the best stunned expression I've ever seen. And until she went to bed, Vergil was, for once, NOT the centre of attention. :)
This week, I get to teach my class, clean my apartment, hang out with my Oma and Opa, clean my apartment some more, and then have my mom over for the weekend. Good times.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
the opposite of happy
I know this blog has been more than a bit depressing lately. I'd apologize for that, but the whole reason this blog is here is to process all that has gone on with Vergil and I surrounding pregnancy and the loss thereof.
Here's the latest update in that vein. Sunday and Monday were probably the worst days I've had since my D&C back in September. As it turns out, I'm PMSing, but I honestly don't think I've ever had a bout quite like this before. I ended up having to leave church abruptly on Sunday morning about 3/4 of the way through the service because I just could not hold it together. I also ended up bowing out of my class last night because I wasn't doing much better. I have never felt depressed like that before. Intense, apathetic anger that overwhelmed me to the point of not being able to function.
I guess some of it had to do with the fact that my cousin Natalie had her baby on Saturday. I'm happy for her, I really am, but the fact that I'm not having one when I thought I would be hit me pretty hard.
Some of it had to do with the topic at church on Sunday. They're moving towards generating a more intentional small group ministry and I started to freak out a little. As I explained to Michele, I am unable to separate church and leadership in my mind and when a new vision gets going, I feel obligated to be supportive and on-board. My 'church baggage' prevents that in this circumstance . My baggage dictates that small group = obligation and that means giving more of myself than I usually receive. I just feel like I have nothing left to give at this time in my life. I function in a 'ministry' role in most of my other occupations, both at work and in the class I teach, and I really have come to see Sunday morning services as a time when I can step out of my 'ministry clothes' and into a good spiritual bath. It's hard showing up to find out that the tub is being cleaned. For those of you who read my blog and attend my church, please don't take my reaction personally. Michele was kind enough to let me rant and vent my frustrations and then gently and wisely calmed me down and reminded me that I am under no obligation whatsoever to the church leadership or this initiative. I continue to be free and welcome to find sanctuary in whatever way that works best for me.
What a great church.
I guess the third thing that's been really hard is that Vergil went to Regina yesterday to train a new manager there. I brought him to the airport on Monday for 6:30 am and he doesn't come home until Friday at 8:00 pm. So I'm all by my lonesome for five days. Well, not really by my lonesome. Last night was really my only night on my own, and that was of my own choosing. I could have stayed at work to teach my class in the evening, but somehow, I just don't feel comfortable being that vulnerable with my students yet. "Hey guys, let's talk about discipleship while I continue to sob for the rest of the evening." The professor I'm filling in for, Chris, was really great. He let me cry in his office for a while and assured me that there was no reason for me to feel any kind of guilt for not being able to teach. In fact, he had just been kind of waiting for me to need to back off. He's told me that if I ever need him to step in for an evening, to just let him know.
Anyway, tonight I get to see my dad who's in town on business. Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with my friend Sheri and her fiance, Jonathan. (Jonathan's cooking me supper and that makes me very happy.) Thursday, I'm getting together with Tim and then Friday Vergil comes home, so yeah. I've got lots of people to keep me company.
And that's me for now. I hate this inevitable loss of control of my emotions. I have high expectations of being able to 'keep it together' and when I can't, I often don't know what to do with myself. I guess I worry that I'll slip into excessive self-pity or bitterness. But then I remember that it's only been a month. I'm allowed to feel weird, off, sad, angry, etc., etc.
And yes, I will let people know what I need if I need anything.
Here's the latest update in that vein. Sunday and Monday were probably the worst days I've had since my D&C back in September. As it turns out, I'm PMSing, but I honestly don't think I've ever had a bout quite like this before. I ended up having to leave church abruptly on Sunday morning about 3/4 of the way through the service because I just could not hold it together. I also ended up bowing out of my class last night because I wasn't doing much better. I have never felt depressed like that before. Intense, apathetic anger that overwhelmed me to the point of not being able to function.
I guess some of it had to do with the fact that my cousin Natalie had her baby on Saturday. I'm happy for her, I really am, but the fact that I'm not having one when I thought I would be hit me pretty hard.
Some of it had to do with the topic at church on Sunday. They're moving towards generating a more intentional small group ministry and I started to freak out a little. As I explained to Michele, I am unable to separate church and leadership in my mind and when a new vision gets going, I feel obligated to be supportive and on-board. My 'church baggage' prevents that in this circumstance . My baggage dictates that small group = obligation and that means giving more of myself than I usually receive. I just feel like I have nothing left to give at this time in my life. I function in a 'ministry' role in most of my other occupations, both at work and in the class I teach, and I really have come to see Sunday morning services as a time when I can step out of my 'ministry clothes' and into a good spiritual bath. It's hard showing up to find out that the tub is being cleaned. For those of you who read my blog and attend my church, please don't take my reaction personally. Michele was kind enough to let me rant and vent my frustrations and then gently and wisely calmed me down and reminded me that I am under no obligation whatsoever to the church leadership or this initiative. I continue to be free and welcome to find sanctuary in whatever way that works best for me.
What a great church.
I guess the third thing that's been really hard is that Vergil went to Regina yesterday to train a new manager there. I brought him to the airport on Monday for 6:30 am and he doesn't come home until Friday at 8:00 pm. So I'm all by my lonesome for five days. Well, not really by my lonesome. Last night was really my only night on my own, and that was of my own choosing. I could have stayed at work to teach my class in the evening, but somehow, I just don't feel comfortable being that vulnerable with my students yet. "Hey guys, let's talk about discipleship while I continue to sob for the rest of the evening." The professor I'm filling in for, Chris, was really great. He let me cry in his office for a while and assured me that there was no reason for me to feel any kind of guilt for not being able to teach. In fact, he had just been kind of waiting for me to need to back off. He's told me that if I ever need him to step in for an evening, to just let him know.
Anyway, tonight I get to see my dad who's in town on business. Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with my friend Sheri and her fiance, Jonathan. (Jonathan's cooking me supper and that makes me very happy.) Thursday, I'm getting together with Tim and then Friday Vergil comes home, so yeah. I've got lots of people to keep me company.
And that's me for now. I hate this inevitable loss of control of my emotions. I have high expectations of being able to 'keep it together' and when I can't, I often don't know what to do with myself. I guess I worry that I'll slip into excessive self-pity or bitterness. But then I remember that it's only been a month. I'm allowed to feel weird, off, sad, angry, etc., etc.
And yes, I will let people know what I need if I need anything.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
I was pregnant once
It occurred to me today that I was pregnant once.
Hardly seems real anymore. Seems like everything that happened was a lifetime ago. But it's only been a little over a month.
I feel a little numb about it all. Everything's 'back to normal' as it were and those three months of my life when I was pregnant have become an anomaly. Did they really happen? Or was I just dreaming?
Hmm.
Curious.
(Note: Please don't freak out over my ramblings and observations. I can come across as more dramatic than I really am. I do not need saving/comforting/helping. I just need a place to let my mind wander sometimes.)
Hardly seems real anymore. Seems like everything that happened was a lifetime ago. But it's only been a little over a month.
I feel a little numb about it all. Everything's 'back to normal' as it were and those three months of my life when I was pregnant have become an anomaly. Did they really happen? Or was I just dreaming?
Hmm.
Curious.
(Note: Please don't freak out over my ramblings and observations. I can come across as more dramatic than I really am. I do not need saving/comforting/helping. I just need a place to let my mind wander sometimes.)
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
the deeper you go...
...the more shallow you want to be.
It's interesting to me the things Vergil and I have been kind of obsessed with over the last little while. For instance: we've taken a keen interest in doing 'Fill-it-in' puzzle books. We've finished three books so far and we're working on our fourth. We also play 'Lego Star Wars 2' (awesome game) on the X-Box just about every chance we get. And when we're not playing that, Vergil's playing his football/hockey/baskeball games. What else is there? I've been doing a lot more reading lately. And not reading for the class I'm teaching, either, but novels. I've wanted to write more, too, but I haven't had any good plot lines yet, so that hasn't really happened.
It's interesting how we seem to so desperately need to keep our minds and hands busy with 'shallow' things. TV doesn't seem to be enough - it doesn't engage enough parts of us to really hold our focus for very long.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think this is bad. I think all these things are temporary coping mechanisms to help us compartmentalize and to continue to have normal lives so that we don't get swept away in negativity. It's just interesting...
It's interesting to me the things Vergil and I have been kind of obsessed with over the last little while. For instance: we've taken a keen interest in doing 'Fill-it-in' puzzle books. We've finished three books so far and we're working on our fourth. We also play 'Lego Star Wars 2' (awesome game) on the X-Box just about every chance we get. And when we're not playing that, Vergil's playing his football/hockey/baskeball games. What else is there? I've been doing a lot more reading lately. And not reading for the class I'm teaching, either, but novels. I've wanted to write more, too, but I haven't had any good plot lines yet, so that hasn't really happened.
It's interesting how we seem to so desperately need to keep our minds and hands busy with 'shallow' things. TV doesn't seem to be enough - it doesn't engage enough parts of us to really hold our focus for very long.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think this is bad. I think all these things are temporary coping mechanisms to help us compartmentalize and to continue to have normal lives so that we don't get swept away in negativity. It's just interesting...
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