this is me...and I look like a man

I hate pictures of myself. Even pictures that don't show my face. :P Anyway, this is a picture of my belly as of the end of 7 weeks. Doesn't look like much yet, but I'm sure it will get much more impressive.

I tried to get Vergil to post this, but he felt it was too much work so he's making me. Oh well. (Now he's giving me 'the look'...)

Anyway, re: my nausea... yeah, not much has changed. The last two days we haven't liked to eat supper very much. Actually, yesterday I puked during supper and today it was right before. You know, normally, I find randomness to be quite humourous, but not so much in this case. *sigh* I'm looking forward to this particular phase being over.

We told 'the big news' to some of our church friends yesterday evening. We agreed to be on a slo-pitch team this summer and, well, I ran out of excuses as to why I can't play anymore so we had to tell them. They were all very excited, so that was cool.

Days like that I feel like EVERYONE has just been waiting and holding their breath for us to have a kid. Man, our kid had better be something special because there have been a lot of people waiting for it! LOL Makes me feel a little less important and more like a baby factory, but that's probably just the hormones talking.

I'm glad my hormones have not made my emotions wildly out of control (yet). Apart from making me puke all the time, I'm not having angry episodes or sobbing at commercials or anything like that.

And that's all I have to say for tonight. I hope I don't bore everyone with my puking stories. Just say so if I do.

July 24, 2006

So I’m going to put this journal on-line today for the friends and family who we’ve told so far. I’d still like to wait till late August/early September to tell people at work, but it looks like I might not be able to avoid telling my baseball team this week… I’ve run out of excuses as to why I can’t be there anymore!

Our vacation went really well. My family’s reaction was awesome, as I expected it to be. Vergil almost lost it because I wouldn’t let him say anything until the Sunday evening when everyone was there for supper. It worked out for the best in my opinion, though. Then everyone found out at the same time and no one was left out.

My mom went a little crazy and bought me a whack-load of maternity clothes, which was awesome. She and Breanne and Vergil were very gushy and excited while I tried on the clothes. I'm not used to being fussed over so much. That's the one thing that will definitely take some getting used to - being fussed over. Very odd.

Anyway, I'm glad everyone is excited about the baby. I cried a little when we left Edmonton because this is really one of the times in my life when I really want my family to be a lot closer than they are. Alas and alack, that is not the way the chips have fallen, as it were. I know I'll see them a lot, but it's not the same as being able to just pop over whenever I want.

Unfortunately, the ‘morning’ (aka afternoon/evening/night) sickness has finally taken hold of me in earnest. I’m not puking every day, but at least every other day. I had an incident at IKEA, one at my parents, one on the way back to Winnipeg and I just puked here at work. I don’t know how well my plan to keep this a secret is going to go if I’m hurling every other day. The dumb thing is that it hits me completely randomly. One day it was a ham and cheese sandwich, one day it was flossing my teeth, then driving, and today…well today it just hit me all by itself, two hours after I’ve eaten and an hour after I’d got out of the car from driving to work. *Sigh* I don’t know what to do with myself. At least this morning it was only orange juice and cereal. Still. Gross.

What else can I say? I don’t know. I can’t think. Puking kinda takes a bit out of me… more than just food anyway. I really should do some work, since it’s all piled up for a week now. Joy and bliss. Stay tuned for more ramblings and hopefully the first picture of my not-yet-showing belly.

July 14, 2006

So I fear I may have spoken too soon re: the no nausea thing. The last couple of days I haven’t felt nauseated so much as like I could barf if I really wanted to. My gag reflex was really sensitive and yesterday especially I was finding it hard to even eat. Brushing my teeth has become something I don’t look forward to at all. And this morning, it happened. I puked. There was nothing in my stomach at the time, so it was more like dry-heaving, but there you have it. My first bout of morning sickness. I actually felt a little pleased. An actual, recognizable symptom! I know, it’s kind of silly for me to be excited about that, but I have this desperate need to feel normal during this experience. I want to feel the way most women feel while they’re pregnant.

So yeah, I’m doing what people have told me to do when you get this way – eating soda crackers. Apparently they help absorb the excess acid in your stomach. I’m really hoping that it doesn’t get any worse than this, because I have a 14 hour road trip ahead of me tomorrow!

Okay, I just ate a bunch of crackers and I have to say, they really do help. I don’t feel completely better yet, but better than before. I just hope this feeling doesn’t last all day because… yeah. Gross.

Anyway, I do actually have a little work to do today, so that should keep me nice and distracted from any feelings of grossness. Only two days left before I get to tell my family! Yay!

July 11, 2006

Well, I have less than a week to go before I get to tell my family about all this. I know they’ll be really excited, so that will be fun. I talked to my mom on Sunday and it was really hard not to just tell her. It’s funny; not telling people things has never been hard for me. Gets so that not telling people is just as easy (if not easier) than telling them.

I have to say I feel pretty blessed re: the whole beginning of my pregnancy and the more or less lack of symptoms. I feel icky now and again, but I’m not puking or anything like that, so yeah. Although my gag reflexes were kicking in a little at lunch today. I was very careful to control it, though, because as far as I can tell, no one suspects anything at work yet. I’m still dreading telling my boss – I know he’s not going to be too keen about the whole thing. He just got back from vacation and doesn’t really want to be here yet, so yeah, now would not be a great time to tell him.

You know, it’s funny (and I know I’ve been using the words ‘funny’ and ‘weird’ a lot in this journal, but I’m having trouble finding adequate vocabulary to explain what’s going on in my mind and body right now), but this really doesn’t feel real yet. I know I’ve said that before, but I was thinking about it this morning – all this is a fleeting thought in my mind right now. Part of me is freaking out and the other part of me feels… nothing.

I was also thinking this morning about something my mother-in-law told me when we broke the news to her. She said I didn’t have a lot of early pregnancy symptoms because I had a good attitude. I thought that was very optimistic of her. I didn’t think my attitude was very good at all, actually. But then it occurred to me that maybe I didn’t start out with a good attitude, but I certainly can have a good attitude about it from here on in. I kind of resolved in myself this morning to be positive about all this – even the times when I feel crappy. Well, maybe not even to be positive, but to stop thinking so much. And in some ways, I have. This is happening. There’s nothing I can do about it. Well, there is, but there is nothing I am willing to do about it. This is just another phase in my life. Yes, it’s all overwhelming and scary, but there’s nothing I can do about any of my fear or overwhelmed-ness until the baby actually gets here. For the next nine months, all I have to really think about is taking care of me and loving my husband. So really, not a whole lot has changed. Except the having to think about me bit. I’m not real used to that. I typically think about other people first and then about me, or more precisely, how my thinking about other people is affecting me.

Anyway, I only have three and a half days of work left until my vacation. Less than that – three days and two and a half hours.

Speaking of work, our Human Resources lady just came in and gave me a T-shirt because apparently people are quite happy with my work. How nice is that? I think it’s pretty nice. I’d have preferred a raise, mind you, but hey, I’ll take the T-shirt too. I wonder what they’d do if I protested the abuse of my boss by going on strike… Hmm, that’s an amusing thought.

Okay, I’m thirsty so I’m on a hunt for some water. I want to put my A/C on, but it’s too hot outside for my circuit-mate and I to both have our A/C’s on at the same time. We always end up blowing it. Very frustrating, especially because my computer shuts off and his doesn’t.

Right. Water. Ta.

July 6, 2004

Well, I had my first official doctor’s visit yesterday. They confirmed my pregnancy, which was kinda nice in the sense that now I know I’m not just imagining things. I guess I needed that confirmation. Also, I was able to ask my doctor all of my ‘burning’ questions, which really took a lot off my mind. I know the things I should and shouldn’t do and I can better plan for things like my sister’s wedding. I need to get my blood work done, but apparently I’m supposed to have a high-carb meal and come in exactly two hours after my last bite. Weird. I need to figure out when I can do that. I’d like to get it done before my next appointment in August and possibly before we leave for Edmonton.

My doctor figures I’m about 4 weeks already, which seems about two weeks further along than I figured I was. Oh well, she gave me the same due date as I had figured out, so that’s good. My sister ought to be pleased with that – the baby’s due the day after her birthday!

I now need to find out more about mid-wives and if I am able to do a water birth here in Winnipeg or not. I’m hoping mid-wives are covered by Manitoba health. If they are, I think I’d almost prefer to go with one of them just because they spend a little more time with you and I think they even do some follow up after the baby is born. Also, re: the water birth, I just can’t help but think I’d be way more comfortable and less self-conscious. I know that’s weird and kind of vain and I probably won’t care by the time I’m supposed to deliver, but yeah. I’m all about being as comfortable as I can possibly make myself.

July 4, 2006

Day two. I feel bad because Vergil doesn’t think I’m excited or happy about this. I am, I just don’t feel it yet. All I feel is strangeness; like this is something happening to me and not something I’m a part of yet. I guess it’s because he wanted this so bad and I’m still working my way there.

Part of me wants to tell more people, just to make it more real to me, but I know that’s not wise. I haven’t even seen or talked to my doctor yet and so much can happen in three months.

Maybe it’s the hormones that have taken over, but I am having a really hard time getting into this. I feel so detached and I feel really bad about that. I keep waiting for something akin to excitement to hit me and it just won’t. I really hope I don’t spend my entire pregnancy like this. Then again, I remember feeling detached about my wedding too, but I had a great time on the actual day and I’m loving my marriage, so yeah… Maybe it’ll be the same with this.

Anyway, that’s really all for today. Nothing new or exciting to report. My baby’s not even the size of a raspberry yet. Weird. It’s all just weird.

July 3, 2006

Well, it’s happened. I’m pregnant. It’s weird – I had myself so convinced that it would take longer than this. I was sure of it, in fact. Thought the odds were stacked against me somehow. I guess not. I’ve only been off the pill for a few months and boom. Just like that.

I thought I might feel differently about this when it actually happened. Actually, I had no idea how I would feel, but I did think that my feelings would somehow change. I feel like I’m supposed to be more excited than this. Truth be told, I’m terrified. I’m nervous. I’m anxious. I don’t really know what to do with myself. I’m having trouble living in the right now. Instead, I’m envisioning what it will be like to be pregnant in three, six, nine months from now. What will labour be like? What will my family’s reaction be? Will I be able to MC at my sister’s wedding? Will my child be healthy? Will he or she grow up to be a happy, healthy person? Will I do a good job as a parent? Will I be able to still have a career? Will I love my child? Will he or she not feel like a stranger to me? Will my child love me? Will Vergil and I still have a great relationship in the midst of parenting?

I remember telling my life coach a few weeks ago that I am perfectly comfortable not knowing what’s going on in the future if there is nothing there to think about. But when I am anticipating something happening in the future, I have a hard time letting worries about that go. This is a huge, uncertain, uncontrollable future for me and that terrifies me. This is one of those cases where I want to fast forward to the end to make sure everything turned out okay so that I can relax more in the process. (If you’ve ever watched a suspense movie with me, you’ll know what I’m talking about.)

I’m not a process person. I feel bad for my kid already. It’s funny; I always tell people that my sister Brenna hates change in her life. It occurs to me that I hate change a lot too. Only I hate change that I can’t control. I can’t control this. I could control going off the pill and that was it. Nothing else. Maybe this is why I’ve been thinking so much about the work God does in people and how we can’t do that work for him. We can’t change people’s hearts. We can’t save people from themselves. God does that. We just create the environment for change. Maybe that’s all my role is in this case too. My job is to create a healthy, positive, comfortable, safe, emotionally secure environment for my child and trust God to do the rest. I think I can do that.

I’ve been telling Vergil over the last day that I’m scared about all this. He keeps saying, “We’ll be fine.” I don’t care about fine. I care about being normal. I worry that I’m a horrible person for being afraid; that it makes me unfit to be a mother somehow. I know that’s excessive and dramatic, but there you have it.

Physically, I feel really…strange. Normal but not. I feel kind of gross and sickly off and on throughout the morning. I’m not puking, which is awesome, but I certainly don’t feel the best. In the evenings, the grossness comes back a little and then I get sort of restless. My mom said being pregnant made you feel happy. I don’t feel particularly happy at the moment, but maybe that happens later on. I just feel nervous. My poor kid is going to have anxiety problems. I think I’m definitely going to take prenatal yoga in the fall. They run it on Sunday afternoons and I think that will help me a lot, even if it’s just helping me learn how to catch my breath. I know the city runs ‘Mommy and Me’ yoga program too. I’ll probably take that later on with the baby, even just to be around other mothers.

Just thinking of my nervousness, I think there are two issues that are predominantly causing it. One is that I signed a contract to teach a course for one hour a week in the winter. I don’t see that happening anymore. I need to speak with my professor and the acting dean to find out what we should do about that. Also, my boss is not going to be impressed with me going on mat leave. He wanted me to wait a few years. Well, that’s not happening. I’m kind of hoping that he is able to hire someone for the Publications Assistant position before I tell him about being pregnant. That would cushion the blow a little. I’m already praying hard about that. I have an idea in mind for who I want to replace me in March, but we’ll see if that pans out at all. I’m also worried about how exactly I’m going to work out coming back to work after my mat leave. I’m hoping I can work something out so that I can do a lot of work from home. I have a computer that can handle what I do and I don’t feel like I need to be on campus all the time to do web stuff or even to do my writing. We’ll see, I guess. That can be worked out much later, like in 2008.

The other big worry is the fact that Verge and I don’t have a house. I’m mostly worried that our neighbours might complain about having a crying baby living around them. I don’t want to get evicted. The trouble is that Verge and I can’t really afford a house for another two years. By then we’ll have a good chunk of a down payment, but I don’t know what house prices are going to look like by then.

So many things that I think about that I really have no control over. I’m such a worry wart. I guess I’m mostly praying that I can live in the moment and worry only about the things that I can take care of now and leave the rest to God.

This is definitely the next big blow to my independent nature, I know that for sure. I remember thinking not too long ago about how I have always been so afraid of what God has in store for me and the things he wants to do in me and through me. I started to wonder if those things were not actually in store for me but for my child; that I am merely called to be a conduit and a catalyst for someone else who will change the world. The more I think about it, the more I see that my calling is definitely reshaping itself in that way. I will never be a Billy Graham or someone like him. I’m the person that brought Billy Graham to Christ in the first place, the person that helped train him and who helped him recognize his calling. It’s a fascinating thought and one I’m going to have to explore a lot more, I think.

I’m going to try to keep this journal of my thoughts and feelings re: being pregnant as up-to-date as possible. I’ll probably publish it on-line once I ‘go public’ with the news. It’ll be interesting to me to see how I am changed throughout this process.

I’m still nervous, but there is definitely excitement hiding somewhere in there too!