I didn't blog about this yesterday, but after reading Heather and Karla's interesting articles about their blogging experiences, I thought maybe I should take full advantage of this always-interesting medium.
Vergil's dad had triple bypass surgery yesterday. It was very successful - the surgeon said it couldn't have gone better - but it's left me feeling kind of...strange. Vergil's a little shell-shocked by the whole thing. I haven't actually seen his dad yet, so I can't really imagine what it's like to see your dad unconscious, full of tubes and hooked up to all sorts of machines. Can't imagine and don't really want to imagine, actually. I find that very large parts of me recoil from that kind of empathy. It hasn't always been that way. I imagine it has a lot to do with the fact that empathizing strikes a far deeper chord in me than it ever used to. The kind of chord that leaves you reverberating and shaken for days on end.
It's funny. I used to think I was okay with the idea of mortality. We all have to die at some point, right? So why stress out about it? It's weird how that mentality changes when death actually enters your life on a personal level. Suddenly death and dying are not so okay anymore. In spite of my deep faith in God, my belief in heaven and my belief that the people I love are destined for there, I'm not ready to let anyone go right now.
Since losing our first child, it kind of feels like now death knows our address and has come knocking (though not entering yet) one too many times: my Oma and her deep vein thrombosis that's not completely resolved yet, my Grandpa and his as of yet undiagnosed stomach/heart condition and now Vergil's dad... Mortality lurks a little too close to these situations and I don't like it.
And then there's the people for whom death has actually entered their lives. There are so many people I know, both friends and co-workers, who have lost parents and loved ones in the last few months.
I'm not sure if there really is a conspiracy out there, but it always seems like when I'm feeling the most vulnerable about death and the most worried about losing our baby, all I hear on the news and all of the articles I accidentally stumble across are about pregnant women being killed and babies dying. How do you stave off attacks like that? How do you avoid emotionally spiralling into a pit of anxiety and despair?
No, I shouldn't ask how, because I know how I'm dealing with it. I've already said I'm recoiling from empathy. Ah good old avoidance.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind today.
2 comments:
Two weeks after my dad died, my uncle died (just as suddenly and unexpectedly as my dad). Two months after that, my grandma died. The whole world felt really shaky after that, and I could barely trust that anyone in my life would stay alive. I hardly wanted to answer the phone anymore because I was sure it would be bad news.
"For everything, there is a season." Some seasons just seem to be filled with too much death. But thankfully, they're not the only seasons to show up.
I hope that your next season will be one of life.
While I can't relate to seeing my dad after bypass surgery I did see my grandpa the day after his and it was VERY surreal and shell-shocked is a great term for it, I'd agree to that whole heartedly. I was shell shocked...you just don't know what to expect and then boom there they are and it's hard not to think about the bad because they look so sick...but now that we're a year away from grandpa's surgery I can assure that if the doctor is confident your father-in-law will be back to himself in no time with probably a different diet to show for it. :)
As for death...I don't get it's timing and frankly I don't think it ever feels fair which is probably why it's up to God and not us. I'm sure we'll 'get it' or at least understand more when it's our time to go, but when you are the one saying goodbye to your loved one it never feels like the right time.
So in that vein I feel and KNOW that this is the right time for you and Vergil to be parents so while there my be various stages of death around you...my dear you are going to actually watch life happen in front of your eyes. You WILL hold that baby Krista...I know it.
Okay I've got to stop now or MY pregnant hormones are gonna make me cry...lol
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