the opposite of happy

I know this blog has been more than a bit depressing lately. I'd apologize for that, but the whole reason this blog is here is to process all that has gone on with Vergil and I surrounding pregnancy and the loss thereof.

Here's the latest update in that vein. Sunday and Monday were probably the worst days I've had since my D&C back in September. As it turns out, I'm PMSing, but I honestly don't think I've ever had a bout quite like this before. I ended up having to leave church abruptly on Sunday morning about 3/4 of the way through the service because I just could not hold it together. I also ended up bowing out of my class last night because I wasn't doing much better. I have never felt depressed like that before. Intense, apathetic anger that overwhelmed me to the point of not being able to function.

I guess some of it had to do with the fact that my cousin Natalie had her baby on Saturday. I'm happy for her, I really am, but the fact that I'm not having one when I thought I would be hit me pretty hard.

Some of it had to do with the topic at church on Sunday. They're moving towards generating a more intentional small group ministry and I started to freak out a little. As I explained to Michele, I am unable to separate church and leadership in my mind and when a new vision gets going, I feel obligated to be supportive and on-board. My 'church baggage' prevents that in this circumstance . My baggage dictates that small group = obligation and that means giving more of myself than I usually receive. I just feel like I have nothing left to give at this time in my life. I function in a 'ministry' role in most of my other occupations, both at work and in the class I teach, and I really have come to see Sunday morning services as a time when I can step out of my 'ministry clothes' and into a good spiritual bath. It's hard showing up to find out that the tub is being cleaned. For those of you who read my blog and attend my church, please don't take my reaction personally. Michele was kind enough to let me rant and vent my frustrations and then gently and wisely calmed me down and reminded me that I am under no obligation whatsoever to the church leadership or this initiative. I continue to be free and welcome to find sanctuary in whatever way that works best for me.

What a great church.

I guess the third thing that's been really hard is that Vergil went to Regina yesterday to train a new manager there. I brought him to the airport on Monday for 6:30 am and he doesn't come home until Friday at 8:00 pm. So I'm all by my lonesome for five days. Well, not really by my lonesome. Last night was really my only night on my own, and that was of my own choosing. I could have stayed at work to teach my class in the evening, but somehow, I just don't feel comfortable being that vulnerable with my students yet. "Hey guys, let's talk about discipleship while I continue to sob for the rest of the evening." The professor I'm filling in for, Chris, was really great. He let me cry in his office for a while and assured me that there was no reason for me to feel any kind of guilt for not being able to teach. In fact, he had just been kind of waiting for me to need to back off. He's told me that if I ever need him to step in for an evening, to just let him know.

Anyway, tonight I get to see my dad who's in town on business. Tomorrow, I'm hanging out with my friend Sheri and her fiance, Jonathan. (Jonathan's cooking me supper and that makes me very happy.) Thursday, I'm getting together with Tim and then Friday Vergil comes home, so yeah. I've got lots of people to keep me company.

And that's me for now. I hate this inevitable loss of control of my emotions. I have high expectations of being able to 'keep it together' and when I can't, I often don't know what to do with myself. I guess I worry that I'll slip into excessive self-pity or bitterness. But then I remember that it's only been a month. I'm allowed to feel weird, off, sad, angry, etc., etc.

And yes, I will let people know what I need if I need anything.