Sigh. I've been waiting all month for this and it finally happened. Sadness and depression just drop kicked me out of nowhere like a ninja.
I found out yesterday morning that my cousin and his wife had their baby over the weekend. I knew they were due around now, but that still doesn't help me much. I want to be happy for them, but all I can think about is how unfair it all is. I hit another low in my grieving process and it turns out that this pit is full of self-pity and I'm wallowing in it. I'm now terrified that they're going to be at my sister's wedding in a couple weeks and I'll have to wear a perfectly fake smile and pretend that I'm okay with everything and that I'm happy when I'm really bitter and angry.
I feel like a jerk because I'm so intensely jealous right now. I feel guilty because I shouldn't be resenting their joy this much. I feel even more guilty that my foul mood might put a damper on my sister's wedding.
The worst part is that I can't expect anyone in my family to really understand what I'm going through. They'll all expect me to just suck it up and put on a good face for my sister. I want to. I don't want her to feel like I'm sucking out the joy of her nuptials, but I just don't know how long I'll be able to pretend I'm okay with having two babies and one pregnant cousin shoved in my face over a whole weekend.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming my cousins for having kids. I know they're not 'out to get me' or trying to spite me or anything. I just... yeah. Big time self pity right now.
9 comments:
Sorry. There are no other words to say, but I felt like I needed to at least put my X here so you know I've been here and "heard" your pain.
You're not selfish, you're human. You are not a jerk for being heartbroken or bitter or angry. God gets it. I get it. One thing I know about God is this: while He can't, or won't, take away the hard things in our lives, His heart breaks with ours. And there is always, somewhere, comfort, and can you please let me know when exactly this wedding is so I can pray and pray and pray for you to get through it?
Sue Plett, s-i-l to ccap and Heather, mother to two adopted children
I wish I could think of something to say but I can't. But know that I'm thinking of you. Lots.
Hey Krista! I read your post and this bible verse came to mind: Psalm 71: 20-21
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
I'm sure there is nothing that I can say (being someone that doesn't know you well aside from thru this blog) but I do hope that you feel comfort in the days that follow. I'll be praying for you.
Pray!
AH...the tuesday morning blues are making sense now. I swear to you I WILL find that damn magic wand if it kills me. Merlin has got to see reason!
Seriously though, you know I love you and that I wish to God I could make this easier. Something I do know is that you can trust God's timing. You don't have to like it, heck you can even yell at him for it, but you can TRUST it.
His heart breaks with yours, He collects your tears because each of them are precious and when you think everyone out there is either talking baby or getting pregnant He is right there to tell you that He does hear you.
I can't promise you a baby, but I can promise you that it's worth it to Trust Him. *steps off soap box*
Thanks, all. I appreciate you guys more than you know. You're the only reason I feel like I can share this stuff on here. You all buoyed me through the weekend a few weeks back, so I'm kinda hoping I can count on you for that again next weekend, over Easter.
Please remember Sheri too - she won't be in a very happy place that weekend, either.
I have a friend who had a child the year of my third miscarriage. I can't, well, a comment section isn't a great place to write about the range of emotions I went through seeing his baby and pretending to be happy while (I'll be honest) really hating him and his wife, but I'll tell you, what you're writing about I TOTALLY understand. Don't add to your sadness by feeling guilty about totally natural feelings. You seem like such a nice and lovely person, and it's NOT FAIR you have to go through this. Of course you are bitter and angry. But do, do be hopeful too. Life can and does bring many unexpected and joyful surprises.
Kari
love to you and vergil, krista.
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