goodbye baby dela Rosa

I wrote this a few months after my miscarriage. I decided I'd share it today, on what should have been my child's birthday. I'm sorry in advance if it makes anyone cry.

I’m tired
I’m tired of crying
But I know I still have more tears
I would have liked to have met you
Held you
Kissed you
Watched you grow
But that’s not what God had in store for us
We were parted too soon
I don’t even have a name for you
I’m afraid to give you one
You were just becoming real to me
How do I say goodbye
When I never got a chance to say hello?
I know you were never mine
You were always God’s
But I thought you would be mine for a time
I don’t think I feel pain
All I feel is empty
You took a piece of me when you left
I wish there was something I could do
I wish there was something
But I have nothing
I never knew how much I wanted you
Until you were gone
I don’t know why you had to go
I don’t know if it would help if I did
I just…
I miss you
Some of my grief is only self pity
I wanted you to make Vergil a dad
I wanted you to make me a mom
My mom a grandma
My dad a granddad
My sisters aunts
It’s not fair
What did I do?
Is this somehow my fault?
I want you back
I want you back
You didn’t have to leave
I would have loved you
I would have loved you so much
I do love you
Will I be okay one day?
Will you be offended if we try again?
Part of me wants to forget
Pretend like this never happened
But I know I can’t
You were real to me
And that was enough
Oh Jesus, where did you go?
You promised you’d be there
And I felt like you left
You promised my child would be blessed
Special
Called
And then you took it away
Before I had a chance to see your promises fulfilled
I don’t know what to do
I just keep moving
Hoping to move fast enough and far enough away
So the emptiness will dissipate
But I know I have to be here in this
Feel these feelings
Let myself grieve
Hurt
Cry
Be angry
Ask questions
Love you
Miss you
Maybe we will meet one day
Save a spot in your heart for me
You’ll always be in mine