now and not yet

There's a fascinating concept in Christianity that can be referred to as a 'now but not yet' idea of existence. It holds that because of the work Jesus accomplished through his death and resurrection for the salvation of the world, the Kingdom of God already exists on earth, but not in its fullness. The fullness of the Kingdom will come with Christ's second coming. It's a complicated theology to explain in a few words, but I really like the imagery. It makes me think a little of the spring - good weather is here now, but it's not as good as it will be in a few months.

Anyway, this whole idea of 'now but not yet' feels as though its permeating a lot of areas in my life right now. Things are going pretty good overall, but there's this general feeling of unrest and dissatisfaction underlying it all that it could be so much better. There are little things in some areas that could be improved and big things in other areas that could certainly be made better. Unfortunately for me, most (okay, all) of these things are way, way out of my control to alter.

I know I have mentioned this numerous times before, but I am not a process person. I like results. It is incredibly hard for me to sit back and allow things to work themselves out naturally and organically (as they inevitably do). My instinct is to get in there and negotiate the quickest path to a positive result. It is desperately difficult for me to bite my tongue and stay out of things when I feel as though I could do something to help. It is so desperately difficult that I have often made the mistake of getting involved when I shouldn't. This happens most often with family, but i have done it more than once to friends, too. And when I do overstep my bounds, the results I so badly crave are never the ones I wanted or expected.

And so in these 'not yet' circumstances I find myself in, I am being very, very careful about not overstepping and being as patient as I can be. That's not to say I talk any less than usual, I'm just trying to be more careful about who I'm saying what to. In some cases, I'm even keeping my mouth shut because I feel like God hasn't given me permission to speak. That's especially hard, but it's also especially important.

I don't really have a point in all this, I'm just kind of musing about my state of mind lately. It's a difficult position for me to be in, this now but not yet, but I'm trying to make the best of it and learn as much as I possibly can about how to be a good leader, a good sister, a good daughter, a good wife, a good mother, a good friend and just a good person.

The world feels very big and very small to me all in the same breath.

Next week is Christmas and I'm looking forward to all the crazy family time, but I do also wish a little that I could find a way to make at least a few moments go in slow motion so that I don't get the sensation that I'm somehow missing it all.

And every morning and every night I get to greet this little guy and wonder, how did I get so lucky?